Thursday, 24 March 2011

Something Fixed

How the time is flying here in London! Im finding my free time slips away so quickly in the evenings! Especially like today when I was lucky enough to attend an event at Autodesk HQ, for those that dont know they make the 3d program I use, 3ds max. Got a good glimpse of things to come while getting my fill and then some of the free booze and food, and for someone on a tight budget before payday was very welcome lol. it was also a good chance to network and meet other max users which is always good no matter the time or place, so it was time well spent!

I have been talking to friends recently about my life has changed in many ways since landing my new job, one major thing that has been fixed in my life is my depression, which is all but gone. I have been so much happier in general and I think this has had knock on effects to things like my diet, my sleeping, obviously my mood and interation with others. Nearly everything feels different, better somehow and it seems all because im waking up and looking forward to going to work instead of waking up and wondering if I should end it all and top my self, throw myself in front of a bus/lorry or generally plan on going on a rampage first and killing the some of the lowest IQ people to ever look down on me while working at CURRYS. Yeah thats right, I'll name and shame the shittiest company I have ever worked for, not only due to the fact that my intelligence and product knowledge was no where near acknoledged, my customer service being of the highest standard yielding many a return customer, you just get shat upon from a great hieght by everyone working above you and 90% of customers. I can only imagin this is the same in nearly all retail positions so for those of you still customer facing, I feel for you and I truely mean that.


As I was saying, one of the things I am most greatful for in this big hurricane of change in my life is my ability to sleep. I have gone from years upon years of sleeping trouble where it could take me 3 or 4 hours to get to sleep, if i even sleep at all, to a point where i can lie down, roll over and goto sleep! After all this years this is bliss! I can even fall asleep with my friend hacking and slashing away in dragon age 2 literally a metre away from me. Then when the morning comes and I've slept well, even on a sofa, i get up and get read for my day at the office. I remember day after day, fighting against heavy eyelids to even get out of bed, let alone STAY out of bed and wake up properly before trying to cycle to work.

Theres only one thing that still bugs me several times a day, I still think about my ex. Although alot of the dreams/nightmares have stopped, I still find me wondering how she is, worrying over if her work is still treating her like crap and taking advantage of her. She wasnt just a girlfriend to me though, she was my best friend. It bothers me greatly even after these months that I let both her and myself down so much. If I can help it I will never let myself get to such a low poing in my life that I cant even look after myself properly. A point where I have become so haunted by all the shit in my life that I become blind to the feelings and needs of those around me. How can you make someone you love happy if you can even be happy within your self. Looking back I see so many times I could of tried harder, put in more effort, and shown more appreciation for the little things we had between us. I dont know if i need to forgive myself and move on hold on to this regret and make sure I never let it happen again. Easy to say when I am finally moving through a better part of my life but depression is a powerful thing, I hope I never cross paths with its ugly face again and hope that if you too are struggling with depression, that you A) get help from ever source you can but be careful with what anti depression drugs you are presribed, and B) talk to your friends about how you are feeling, they will lend you the support you need and maybe some good avice for deeling with whatever specific problem is maybe at the heart of your feelings.

This brings me to another topic I've been thinking on, being the BEST person, the best version of you that is posible. How can you make sure your being the best you can be, working the hardest towards a goal in life. How do you after realising you can be so much more, so much better a person, rid yourself of a life time of bad habbits, bad automated reactions to specific things. How do you learn to let it all go? Grow up, Man up? This is not to say im a total dick and am hated by everyone, I just want to know how to better myself, its going to be a struggle but it is very important to me I lose the bad attitudes I sometimes have and learn that I cant always have things the way I want. We all have things we dont like about ourselfs and its up to us to change, but for now I am greatful for the positive changes in my life and hope they continue.

Tomorrow will mark the end of my second week at my new job, im still loving it, making new friends around the office and even managing to get some poi done in the park at lunch times, I might even start teaching people from work ^_^ also have yet another room viewing, hopefully i can finally lock down a  to call home and stop living out of a suitcase!

Good Night to you all!

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Something Simple

Hello World!

It would seem I have survived my first week in London! I have really enjoyed it so far, nearly everything seems right somehow. I find it strange how quickly I've settled into a routine, the commute to work, the lunch across the road, dinner and watching castle(my new tv obsession) all happen the same time every day. Im slightly wary about settling into a routine as that is what threw me into chaos and dispair not so long ago. And I still bump into something everyday that reminds me of the friend I lost. I think im getting better at avoiding the thoughts but I still deeply miss this person and still regret ever taking them for granted.
But back to recent events, I've manage to get through a week of work, they even trusted me with a project to work on by myself, and it turned out quite good!, it will be interesting to work with the different architects over the comming months and its one of the many things I look forward to.

Im still trying to find a place to live, seen a few places but nothing quite meshes just yet and they also arnt available till next month so ive got a while to decide, although I did have a first yesterday, I was stood up when I went to view a room, their loss im sure lol. But it does make me wonder how hard something so simple as being somewhere or doing something that you say your going to do can be. This could be for a friend, at work, or in this case being around to meet a stranger looking for a new place to live. It did get me thinking though, have I let anyone down rencently, maybe it was YOU! if so im sorry, I do try to keep my promises or arrangements and in light of the other day I will try and keep an extra eye on when I say I will do things for people to make extra sure I follow through.

So only a short post today as im sleep and mondays are 8:30 starts instead of 9, so I really should be in bed already, if you can call the sofa that haha. missing friends old and lost, my pc, ps3 and pixeljunk shooter that i got to play for like a day :(, personal space, and my pushbike, i feel like a slob, i havent exercised in so long and i miss riding! once i get my place and my first paycheck i can begin to fix these missing things in my life.

Have a good week people!

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Something Assisted

Well well well ladys and gents, im here in London now and have now had 2 days at my new job!

Day 1 was a little mad, started at 8:30 so i had to be up at 7, a time i hadnt seen in a long while, even working at currys back in bournemouth, it only took me 20 mins to cycle so was never up before 8, but i didnt wake up at 7.... oh dear... however i wasnt late, no I just happened to wake up at 5!! which turned out to be quite motivating as from the sofa i was sleeping on, i sat with my cuppa tea and watched the sun come up right outside the window. It felt as if the was rising not only to start a new day but a new chapter in my life filled with a new place, a new job, and new friends!
The day started with the Monday meeting with everyone upstiars hearing about where we are on the major projects on the go, everything was way over my head, I didnt have a clue! The lady who was suppose to give me my induction isnt in today so it had to wait for today, so I spent the day be told about how projects are organised, and was paired up with someone for a bit to watch them work. with the feeling that im in way over my head after been shown loads of stuff lunchtime hits and I go across the road to the bar the company owns to get some food, had a big tasty handmade bun filled with yummyness made even tastier by the fact we get a nice big discount too. So we eat outside and talk about working in 3d and a few other things, I find out most of the office comes over here for drinks on friday night too, so ill definatly be doing that while getting to know people better. Then back to work and continue watching and discussing the work my new workmate is doing, i even found a few shortcuts he didnt know about, so i wasnt completly useless. I get to look through a bunch of project files to get a feel for the way the organise things, hows files are set and general level of detail stuff when i find a mistake in one of the models, just so happens it was one of the current projects and no one had seen it, go me! So then one fo the architects comes down and needs something off my new friend a bit quick, so I teamed up with him and we both worked on the file, I continued doing some basic modeling while he fixed up some better lighting and set up the render. All in all a good day I think, I was really worried that I would be totally useless for a while. I come back to my friends where i am crashing and pretty much do just that, completely shattered I just about remember to change the alarm as the rest of the week we start at 9.

Day 2! I get a good nights sleep and dont wake up mega early, everything went like clockwork and for the second time I strolled off the bus stop with a big smile on my face music in my ears, a bit of the Silversun Pickups that I recently found and some Nickelback and Theory of a Deadman. Into work and i put my coat away and head to the mini kitchen we have downstairs to make my first of many, Earl Gray teas, oh yes infinate earl grey all day! my supervisor sets me up with someone else today while my log on details are sorted and i can have my own set up with company email and everything. This was a different type of project than the one i was watching/helping yesterday, we had to set up some shots to be camera matched to survey data and then comped into the backplate. Tedious work but one was quite challenging which was fun and i got a bit of input on the set up and photo shop work we did. It turns out there is such a thing as a free lunch, I got one while we had a presentation about a new portal/management system we will be getting next month. after lunch I had my induction and got some more info i had to read through, the usual stuff for health and saftey as well as more office stuff like how their telephone system works. Turns out every desk has its own phone... "I" have a phone, this as well as the fact my desk is massive! about 2.5x1.5m with dual monitor setup, makes me feel somewhat important and awesome ^_^ I end the day with helping again with what I was working on yesterday.

I should be getting a place of my own sorted soon too if all works out, although I was suppose to goto a viewing on monday it got put back to today and then again at last minute to tomorrow but I still have hopes things will work out. I really cant wait to have my own room again, even if my friends sofa is quite comfy and long enough to fit my lanky 6'1" body on  completely. With my own place I can then move my stuff up and start practising at home on Vray, Im a little more out of practice than i want to be and I really want to show these guys I can do good work and work hard.

And here is the suckerpunch trophy! awesome isnt it :)

Now its time for me to watch some more castle and eat my 30p noodles, relax and sleep.

See you on the otherside!

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Something for You

Sometimes life sucks, a depressing start but the truth, and sometimes like what has happened in my life recently can be filled with awesome things happening.
But unless you live in Japan and just had your whole life washed away, my bet is your life isn’t as bad as you think it is! Now over the last 2 days ive felt so powerless watching the devastation caused by the earthquake and following tsunami in Japan. This as well moving to London today has left me somewhat sleep deprived so im sorry if this post seems a little off. I truly wish I could get out there, help with anything I could, either with supporting people in some way, clearing/sorting through the debris, or even help rebuilding further down the line. But this is unrealistic since im not trained in any way, nor part of any relief groups.
So what can you do? you can donate to the red-cross! anything you can give will help a lot! please follow this link to help:

On a brighter note, it seems that its not just myself that is having luck in my life, there are new jobs going everywhere and quite a few of my friends seem happier, others like my good buddy Dani Abram (check out her blog in my side bar>>> over there >>>>) and another friend Paul are buying a house! so congrats to you guys!

And for those of you still selling your souls, I say to you this,
don’t let the world pass you by in a dead end job that you hate! I like to read a lot of the lifehacker blog and I think it makes a good read, give it a try starting here:!5707473/the-minimalist-guide-to-leaving-your-soul+crushing-day-job
But if you are feeling like life is just getting too much, you have me and many other friends who will be happy to talk to you and give you advice and support. Your not alone, I think nearly everyone I know has been there. I went through 2 years of retail hell try and waiting to get a better job, a god job, a job I spent 4 years at uni for! im just thankful for the time I spent outside of work, I spent with some very special and awesome people.

And now here is my last day in the Marghetto, my suitcase that I will be living out of for an uncertain amount of time is packed, my computer will be stored away along with my awesome TV and ps3. I must yet again leave my friends behind me, my whole head is a turmoil of emotions right now I don’t think I can put into words how I feel.(yeah yeah I know kinda pointless blogging about something I cant write right?) I just have to remember that they have their own lives, it would be selfish to wish they would stay part of my life everywhere I go. but neither am I abandoning them, I know where they are, I have phone numbers and facebook so they will never be far, and this makes me happy that for sure. what also makes me happy is to have old uni friends back in my life again, those who too have escaped to/been trapped by London. I hope more of the people ive met in my travels make it to the jobs the want, maybe it will even bring you closer to me again and we can go for a drink, catch up, maybe have a game of poker/streetfighter/pool. now if your sitting there thinking "well nothings come along yet" STOP RIGHT THERE! its never going to come, you gotta go out there, jump in the ring, kick life’s ass and take it for yourself! If you need qualifications,? get them, a portfolio? make one, experience? work for free! as much as people don’t like to admit it, they have plenty of free time, its just spent elsewhere, even those social commitments you think you cant give up like those drink sessions/house partys or an extra night of raiding on wow or that footy game you just cant miss. You can miss them actually, and it wont kill you either, what will kill you is the depression from that dead end job your still in, mine nearly killed me and as your friend or random blogger you may have just happened to stumble upon, I don’t want that for you. So for me, your friends, and most importantly yourself, do what you need to do! There is always time for drinking and footy after you score a better job right? so get out there and start kicking ass! extra points if its a zombie ass just don’t get bitten :P

Something I forgot to mention last time was the wonders of a band called Silversun Pickups, recently have had a track titled Panic Switch used in the trailers for Suckerpunch, they have an awesome sound, do check them out on spotify for free!
and speaking of Suckerpunch... OMG, thats all i have to say on the matter, and stay tuned for possible pics of an acquired movie banner ^_^

Well that's enough ranting for now I think, from now on my only connection to the world will be my new phone, finally one with interwobbles, and my new workstation at work! speaking of work, less than 24 hours still I start! wish me luck its time to start a new adventure!!!
Be excellent to each other.
And go get something for you.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Something New

So silly old me made a blog! But why? not for you to read, but for me!

From here on I will be posting about random shit and awesomeness from my life as well as how this new chapter I am about to start in my life is going, and most likely I will vent any frustration I have here too. To catalog all the ups and downs of this adventure!

Find a home or make one. everyone wonders at some point in there life where they belong and who they belong with. Its something I have been wondering for many years, and hell! I'm still not sure! But I think I've found a road that feels right! As for making one, well that’s to do with my new job i just scored in a place i like to call Londinius (yes that was an IT crowd ref ^_^).

I will be starting work next Monday for an architectural company as a junior architectural visualiser. For those that don’t know, this means I get given designs from the architects and I make them in 3D on the computer and produce photo realistic pictures to help sell the designs to clients. It could be anything from a huge towering office block to building renovation to a small house. This will be my first job using my degree since I graduated 2 and half long years ago. I am excited, nervous, grinning from ear to ear and completely and utterly petrified! Kinda like how i felt this time last year when I decided it would be a good idea to leave a perfectly good plane at nearly 14000 feet!

I have always lived in smaller places, from my home town of Margate to Salisbury and Bournemouth. I find these places to be just right size wise, easy to get around and not get lost. But now.... oh now I get to move to the big daddy capitol, and this scares the hell outta me! Now i know that most of it I will never see or have to find my way through thanks to the wonders of the tube, but still, I'm so used to being able to find my way round by myself.

As much as i love adventures, nothing is ever without its down sides. Now I am a HUGE geek and love my computer, the internet and computer games, i own 3 consoles, my pc is a quad core beefcake, and my sound system rocks. And I have to leave it all behind! sometimes I wish I had a laptop for the sake of convenience but I don’t, so my only contact with the big WWW will be through my new phone, finally gotten round to upgrading from the dirty, cheap, nasty, doesn't ring any more phone i have to something i bit more my style, has internet, has gps, and most of all WORKS! i thought long and hard about this as I've had to use some of my overdraft for it, but i cant afford to get lost in London if I have to go too far from the tube line, also im going to need a working phone for work as well. with leaving everything behind it will also keep me connected to my much loved friends who are also being left behind :( and keep me updated on all things geek that i follow, manga, tech news, events, games.
I will be living out of a suitcase, one that I've yet to decide on what to put in, for an undetermined amount of time, while surfing the sofa's of the few friends I have in London.

I keep running numbers on what i can afford before i get paid my first pay check and after, and most of what I've found is small and grotty, and my overdraft cant be increased either. I'm really hoping I don’t put a strain on any of my friendships, but from talking to peeps it seems nearly everyone has had to go through this to move here. to say thankyou I plan on doubling as a friends on the sofa to house maid as well, tidy, hoover, do any and all washing up. anything I can to say thanks until I get my own place. And then when i get paid, I'm taking them all out for dinner! and then go back to being skint for another month haha.

We are now at T-minus 7 days till I start my new job in the big city, my final days here will be spent with friends, this Friday I will party hard within the walls of Totally Wired down town and when midnight strikes I will be the ripe age of 21!..... for the 6th time..... well I still feel 21 anyway! Saturday will be spent meeting friends with some quiet drinks in the evening, Sunday i say goodbye once again to home town and head to London where i probably wont sleep much before getting up at a time I haven't seen in god knows how long to get to work for 8:30AM!

So time for maybe quite alot of new?