Thursday, 24 March 2011

Something Fixed

How the time is flying here in London! Im finding my free time slips away so quickly in the evenings! Especially like today when I was lucky enough to attend an event at Autodesk HQ, for those that dont know they make the 3d program I use, 3ds max. Got a good glimpse of things to come while getting my fill and then some of the free booze and food, and for someone on a tight budget before payday was very welcome lol. it was also a good chance to network and meet other max users which is always good no matter the time or place, so it was time well spent!

I have been talking to friends recently about my life has changed in many ways since landing my new job, one major thing that has been fixed in my life is my depression, which is all but gone. I have been so much happier in general and I think this has had knock on effects to things like my diet, my sleeping, obviously my mood and interation with others. Nearly everything feels different, better somehow and it seems all because im waking up and looking forward to going to work instead of waking up and wondering if I should end it all and top my self, throw myself in front of a bus/lorry or generally plan on going on a rampage first and killing the some of the lowest IQ people to ever look down on me while working at CURRYS. Yeah thats right, I'll name and shame the shittiest company I have ever worked for, not only due to the fact that my intelligence and product knowledge was no where near acknoledged, my customer service being of the highest standard yielding many a return customer, you just get shat upon from a great hieght by everyone working above you and 90% of customers. I can only imagin this is the same in nearly all retail positions so for those of you still customer facing, I feel for you and I truely mean that.


As I was saying, one of the things I am most greatful for in this big hurricane of change in my life is my ability to sleep. I have gone from years upon years of sleeping trouble where it could take me 3 or 4 hours to get to sleep, if i even sleep at all, to a point where i can lie down, roll over and goto sleep! After all this years this is bliss! I can even fall asleep with my friend hacking and slashing away in dragon age 2 literally a metre away from me. Then when the morning comes and I've slept well, even on a sofa, i get up and get read for my day at the office. I remember day after day, fighting against heavy eyelids to even get out of bed, let alone STAY out of bed and wake up properly before trying to cycle to work.

Theres only one thing that still bugs me several times a day, I still think about my ex. Although alot of the dreams/nightmares have stopped, I still find me wondering how she is, worrying over if her work is still treating her like crap and taking advantage of her. She wasnt just a girlfriend to me though, she was my best friend. It bothers me greatly even after these months that I let both her and myself down so much. If I can help it I will never let myself get to such a low poing in my life that I cant even look after myself properly. A point where I have become so haunted by all the shit in my life that I become blind to the feelings and needs of those around me. How can you make someone you love happy if you can even be happy within your self. Looking back I see so many times I could of tried harder, put in more effort, and shown more appreciation for the little things we had between us. I dont know if i need to forgive myself and move on hold on to this regret and make sure I never let it happen again. Easy to say when I am finally moving through a better part of my life but depression is a powerful thing, I hope I never cross paths with its ugly face again and hope that if you too are struggling with depression, that you A) get help from ever source you can but be careful with what anti depression drugs you are presribed, and B) talk to your friends about how you are feeling, they will lend you the support you need and maybe some good avice for deeling with whatever specific problem is maybe at the heart of your feelings.

This brings me to another topic I've been thinking on, being the BEST person, the best version of you that is posible. How can you make sure your being the best you can be, working the hardest towards a goal in life. How do you after realising you can be so much more, so much better a person, rid yourself of a life time of bad habbits, bad automated reactions to specific things. How do you learn to let it all go? Grow up, Man up? This is not to say im a total dick and am hated by everyone, I just want to know how to better myself, its going to be a struggle but it is very important to me I lose the bad attitudes I sometimes have and learn that I cant always have things the way I want. We all have things we dont like about ourselfs and its up to us to change, but for now I am greatful for the positive changes in my life and hope they continue.

Tomorrow will mark the end of my second week at my new job, im still loving it, making new friends around the office and even managing to get some poi done in the park at lunch times, I might even start teaching people from work ^_^ also have yet another room viewing, hopefully i can finally lock down a  to call home and stop living out of a suitcase!

Good Night to you all!

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